i'm a bad person

you know - i understand that mj was a legend and all. but i am having a really hard time getting past the pedophile thing. is it just me?

do not ever think of doing this...

attack of the blue snow cone

me and batman before i go out dancing with hundreds of gay men

"so - what do you want to do for father's day?

" i don't care - what do you think?"

"i'll see what everyone else is doing"

i pick up the phone to call meme...

"it is free day at 6 flags for guests of season ticket holders"

"sounds cool! we'll do that for a couple of hours and then go to petaluma and have dinner and pick up the chunk" he had been at g-parents for the weekend. that was my present to them. isn't that nice of me?

so, you may say already sounded like a disaster of an idea. but not really. we had gone a bunch of times to 6 flags last year on their free days and we would go in when they opened and then got the heck out of dodge before it got too crowded. oh no - not this year. the 45 minute drive to the exit to vallejo was normal. the extra 45 minutes to get off of the exit and enter the parking lot was not. the crazy long security line and then the horrendously long ticket line was also not normal. the checking to make sure that the season txt holders had only one guest was not normal either. we had 3 extra. more waiting to try to figure it out. it was worst than ikea in there and hot. we split up by age group -younger one's did the kiddie things and the older ones went on real roller coasters. by 3:30 - i expected to be out by 12 - the kids got to ride on a good amount of rides. how was the older crowd doing? they had rode on one ride. ONE ride! we decided to leave and to go home. we stopped at a combo gas station, baskin robbins and carl's jr. i got a shake, m love got a scoop and b went to get a burger. me and m love got the treats and sat in the car for at least 15 minutes waiting. where the heck was b? waiting, waiting, waiting - he must be laying bleeding on the bathroom floor after being mugged. i had to check - OMG he had not even got the food yet. no burger at a fast food place is worth a 1/2 hour wait. then the ride home was all on poor b. i fell asleep almost immediately as i went out dancing last night and needed to catch up on my sleep. we did not get home until 5:30. it was plain awful. i left out a lot but i had to get some of the this story of of my chest.

kids are for loving

just when you thought i about lost it - losing it means walk back into vp's office and take back my resignation so i don't have to spend time with my satan spawn. i had a moment. m love freaked out a few more time since i completed my post a few hours ago and i finally had him in bed. thought i would try to salvage the day and have a cuddle. he had times of weepiness and i finally asked why are you so sad about everything? "i miss all of my friends - i like my new school but i miss my friends and i think they don't know where i am." again a heart wrenching moment for me of course that's why he is sad. knee jerk - take him out of presidio and put him back in tule elk. but no, i bring myself back to the whole reason why we are doing this. he needs some familiar faces at Lafayette. i knew 2 transitions were going to be hard on him b/c he is the worst at them. let's see what the next 2 weeks brings. he is a very complex kid. not a simple boy - i have to understand that. i apologized for yelling so much today and he said it hurt his feelings. of course it did! tomorrow will be better - we will do some shopping together for food so he can make dinner and lunch choices for himself. we also talked about getting a soccer ball and baseball to practice this summer with. he seems honestly interested. there will be peaks and valleys as big b tried to tell me on the phone today but this time will pass and i will regret not loving him even when he is a whiny, cry baby. he just needs to communicate better and i have to get better at not saying anything and just giving hugs.

sh**ty attitude

it amazes me how a series of whining and crying episodes will just ruin my day. m love had no school - i negotiated with them that he be off fridays b/c i would be taking him to gymnastics anyways. he gets to stay at home with his nanny and brother. i get home from work - throw the bikes, helmets, knee and elbow pads in the car, fill their recyclable aluminum water bottles and get a couple of diapers and we are ready to rock! he gets in trouble with teacher eric within 5 minutes. he's like a wound up toy that has not been able to spin. but when it is an inappropriate time, that is when he chooses to let it go! instructions go in one ear and out the other. this goes on for 45 minutes. now it's time to go bike riding - only wants the helmet - fine - the training wheels are still on. they go all the way down the path but the chunk sees the beach and cannot resist the water. he is wet up to his waist, i am up to my knees in san francisco bay water - then sand. then i put him on his balance bike (the kind with no pedals) and push him to meet up with the group at the warming hut at the end of the trail. cookies and lemonade lovingly supplied by d! i am done already and head back to the car to bring it closer b/c my back cannot make the trip back pushing the chunk. when i return - he wants his knee pads - another trek back to the car. on return he wants his elbow pads. no way - crying ensues. then it is time to go. ok - you can go with d and then i will meet you at pasta pomodoro. only in batman costume. no way. crying again. now you have to come home b/c i will not unleash your psychosis on my best friend no matter how nice she is. now it is the $30 dinner i ordered for us that he won't eat b/c all of the sudden he doesn't like the color of the broth the noodles are in. he gives in and wants the chicken nugget appetizer which he never will eat but i have just eaten all of them except for 1/2 of one. so he gets half a nugget and i then force him to eat one posticker. which takes forever - 2 hours i tell you to eat 1/2 a chicken nugget and 1 potsticker. i would have let it go but he kept telling me he was hungry - so eat! we ended things nicely over an organic nectarine with him in my lap. he will get 10 min of movie and a story and he will be down if i so can help it. i am sleeping alone tonight. i am taking an ambien and going to love every unconscious moment of it. i hate reading posts like this so i am so sorry i wrote one like this. how am i going to be a SAHM? days like to day make me wonder - and then days like today make me think this is exactly why i need to do this.

frozen confection and 5mg valium will make it better

i just wolfed down a haagen daaz almond vanilla ice cream bar - just picked some melted chocolate off my shirt. all very charming. 1/2 a valium earlier this evening when i got home. all this to appease my unrest about my first born. m love had a good day at school except he will not eat his lunch when he it is the time to eat lunch but during silent reading time and the humming he does is not appreciated. i get more and more nervous that he is not as normal as he should be. but then he builds the most incredible sculpture at school that the teacher is in awe of. it is a series of squares that get increasingly bigger and curve into an s shape. he did one and then a mirror image of it and then twisted together. i will try to post - but almost creepy how amazing it was. i know it is his third day and i maybe taking the feedback all too personally. i need to get thicker skin. but he doesn't even have skin.

tomorrow we are going w/miss m and n to circus showcase - more acrobatics. hope they like it. it will be nice to go just the 4 of us. i am also going to Launch - the big kick off dance party for gay pride week at the regency ballroom on saturday. big week. need to shake some bad mojo off.

i am 50% wanting to go ask for a job. start part time for now and then go full time when things get better. i know not a good idea! talk me out of it!

smack down

i had the worst start of a morning - not only was i anxiety ridden about the 2nd day of school, the director had to talk to me about something. when i finally separated from m. i went to the office it was a bit harder today b/c he was aware that he was "that kid" who got into trouble all the time. the d took me to her office and said that it was a mistake to accept m in b/c her school did not take kids just for the summer and he had to leave. i said i changed schools under the advisement of the director and his teacher from his previous school. he was already in, already began so i saw no need to take him out. she does not have the warmest personality and is quite abrasive. words were exchanged and it came down to me telling her that she was taking out the misunderstanding on me and i did not appreciate it. she said she was not and i said her delivery sucked. yes, in front of all of her employees. i was not going to let her walk all over me. i drove to work almost in tears and shaking. before i even arrived i had a vm telling me it was ok for m to stay in the school. 2nd fight in 7 days that i have won. feels good. sometimes those people that are mean just need to be reminded to act human and they snap out of it.

btw - m had a great day in school today. spent 3 hours at the beach. he is my m i know and love. hopefully tomorrow will be another good day.

m's first day of transitional kindergarten care - it's a long and boring title

can you say out loud with me - TOTAL DISASTER?! yes, he threw sand at kids, licked their faces (WTF?), put everything in his mouth, flicked ears and had a fit during circle time. i am taking all of this personally - i have failed as a mother to bring up a well adjusted boy. i busted out my copy of "how to talk to children so they talk to you" - or something like that and "how to free your child from anxiety". both books i purchased during a time of crisis and both i read a bit of and then put down b/c things got better after while. as you can see that all of this is on my priority list as i took a nap and am writing on these blogs.

the cutest little girl in the class took to him immediately and was hovering around his perimeter for the hour i was there this morning. when i was leaving i asked her to look out for him and there she was was - right at his side when i got there to pick him up. i am proud he did not cry when i left - he did not even cling. he made friends and he played with them. just the other stuff is such a bummer. such a long list. i think i need to read those damn books.

tomorrow is a big day - they walk to the Beach at Crissy field. he likes to bolt and run ahead. he needs to control that for the group. and there is the sand element too. 3 hours at the beach. so heavenly if you ask me! i love this school already just b/c of what is at their fingertips at the presidio. i think the chunk is going to go there.

couger night

tonight i accepted an invite to a dinner with a friends night out with the other mom's from her sons catholic school. we went le colonial - supposed to be yummy. the appetizer - ahi tuna was yummy, the shaking beef - mediocre and the molten lava cake better than average. ok, so there is the review of the food.

the company review is next - my friend m, love her but she is a cancer (the astrological sign) to the bone. which is generally a bit crazy. the other women were over 40's divorced and some single and really bummed about it. i fit in splendidly. not really b/c i am not great around people and am happily married. i was genuinely uncomfortable with all the shit talking. oh well. i am sure they do not like me too well. i heard things like "do you know vera wang is at kohl's now!" um really? not too impressive...one had a chiffon cheetah print top and an updo with tendril action hanging from the sides. we all have kids about the same age - why do i seem in my head so much younger. maybe it is just in my head. maybe these thoughts are for no one except strangers. yeah that's it.

m love - the next chapter

i held it together pretty well today for the graduation. m love in his skinny black jeans and skinny tie - too cute. chunk is officially hipster prep. i hate the dumb mohawk - faux hawk rock rock and roll thing for kids now. mine are going preppy - against the "cool" thing to do which is so over done. m love got his first argyle sweater and i love it. yes, i am concerned about the style my children have.

big f*ckin' momentous occasion

m love graduates preschool tomorrow. can you believe it. i plan on crying even though i don't cry (unless it is a bad drew barrymore movie). there are some really nice people that i saw every day that i will not anymore. the school is special but it is time for him to move on. he is starting presidio cdc on monday and hear it is a fantastic school. we will see if i like it enough for the chunk to go to.

work is whipping into a frenzy - i am doing enough to get by - i feel myself checking out bit by bit. i am at complete odds with myself on what i want to do. i am scared. i made a comment about how i am eating a frozen dinner for dinner to save money and someone made a crack about if i sold my bags on ebay i could make $10,000 to survive on. ha! i knew they were a good investment. 6 months i can go back - that is enough time for me to decide if i hate it or not. i repeat i do not want to be a maid and chauffeur!

another funny thing happened at work - one of my favorite gay boys passed by and asked - what have u been doing? you look great -"cut the hair?" - no (though i do need to touch up my roots) - "botox?" - yes. he nearly fell to the ground and everyone turned their head to look. so i admitted it - 2 shots right between the brows! so i don't really need it but isn't that the point??? preventative? so that opened up how everyone wants to do a little of this and that. i own what i do! i am not ashamed! i think everyone thinks if you do it that your whole face freezes. absolutely not. that reminds me i need to buy up the rest of the 100 for 50 gift certificates for the epi center.

hey - that latisse is not working for me - kind of bummed. what it's been 3 weeks?

keep you posted!

train wreck

i am addicted to the housewives of new jersey. i love how they "tawk". i should be sleeping.

the chunk has decided he does not like his crib and will cry for almost 45 min. i say almost b/c we cannot go longer than that with out going in to help him out. something is going on but i don't know what it is.

m love is graduating preschool on thursday and i have picked him up the cutest clothes. i am so tired of the mohawk - rock and roll kid look. not so cool, since everyone is doing it. i'm going for hipster preppy. much cuter and not so poser. am i in highschool still? why do i care so much? i get uncomfortable when i am not dressed to my standards and i feel the same way for my kids i guess. big b on the other hand i cannot do anything about. he is what he is. i digress - we visited the school that he will attending this summer 4 days a week. the presidio child development center. it will give him a chance to meet some other kindergartners that could potentially be in his class. i am doing all of this for him...

work is crazy - everyone is gone and i have to support - 3 weeks and counting. i can't tell you how i am regretting it a bit. people can't believe i am going to be a SAHM. me neither! let's see. i am looking into getting my image consulting lesson - would love to personal shop and do makeovers. i could also life coach i think. i seem to always be talking people off ledges! i could be one stop shopping.

i took d on a shopping trip this weekend - 3 hours long - if i charged 150 an hour it would have been alot of money. but i got her all she needed for her vacation. fantastic! i would love to go through her closet and get rid of stuff. i should do the same thing. i have so many jeans there is no room for any of it. must purge!

i feel like a casualty of war

today was intense. lay offs for my team - my team for one year, where i did not feel a part of, always an outsider, since i came from men's. everyone and i mean everyone was let go or moved into a different department. it was an anxiety full day - wish i had my valium refill. which by the way i got today and will partake during work b/c i am a bit thrown off my game. my director, 1 senior, 1 assitant and 1 data person. 1 senior was spared and moved over to another brand. a less "sexy" business since their tastes are more conservative which would serve the better thamn ours. i am shocked. i cannot beleive everone is gone. i am left to keep it a float while they figure it out for the next 30 days. it is going to be a doozy - you simply cannot run a 10+ million unit business w/no one left and 1 person on their way out.

onto other pressing things - had a mtg. with m love's afternoon teacher and the speech therapist the other day. they confirmed he needed to be evaluated for speech therapy in kindergarten. duh - we have known he has a problem for over a year. they also said he had self regulating issues - something new for me. doesn't like loud noises or sounds and needs to learn to cope with these things himself through more "play" so more play dates are in order to build this capability in him. they recommened i look into the afterschool program for his kindergarten and get him in there so he can meet new kids that could potentially be in his class. well that day i go thim transferred. this will benefit two fold in my mind - he will get into e new "play group" and then meet new kids. both things help his self regulating and familiarity when he gets to kindergarten. i think this is a good thing for him. my beginnings of a SAHM!