the big boulder theory

why am i so nervous about tomorrow? i am really doing it! or am i really doing it? i can probably stop it now if i wanted to but i don't think i will. why not wait until i am 39 to get my first tattoo and leave my job in an unstable economy? the way i see it - how bad can it be to spend the next year with the chunk? get m love off to school and then find another job? my kind of job is not easy to if you are new at it but i am definately not new. i just have to keep up the young appearance. therefore - we are on a budget but botox is still in that budget. no one knows i am mad any more. my husband has joked that i am starting to over compensate another part of my face to show distaste. hope i do not start new wrinkles there!

to work or not to work...

i asked my boss today to see if i still had an opportunity of taking a package that was offered to me about a year ago during my transition to the misses team. that would mean i would voluntarily lay myself off. next week we find out if we have jobs or not. i guess i could not wait. i want to take time with the chunk and get micah off to kindergarten if i can. let's see if i committed career suicide by fleeing during "breakthrough". i am excited about taking the risk.

inked

i got inked today - a first. it took almost 40 years to decide what was important enough for me to have memorialized on my body forever. i think it is simple looking and pretty - the boys middle names. i now cannot brag about not having a tattoo b/c around here you stand out more when you don't have one. i don't know what came over me but it did and i like it - pics to follow...

a few decades later

i had the pleasure of going to nin and jane's addiction on friday with miss d. loved it. found out when we got there during the show that it may likely be the last nin show ever. glad i did not miss it. it is almost summertime so nin went on during the day light which is not as fun but they did end after sunset. it was a nice mix of old stuff and new. trent made music that changed my taste in music and i am glad i have got to live the past 20 years with him. jane's addiction had it's original line up. it was in fu**ing credible! loved it they were so good! all these bands bring me memories of dancing with trent in a hotel room - experiencing my first space cake in a foreign country, learning how to stage dive blah blah blah. mommy has done a few fun things before settling down.

the crowd i must get into - the majority was older like me - but the fashion was firmly still of that decade. i hate to say it but i was perhaps the best dressed and best looking there - even being forty and try to dress warm for the cold evening. i do not ever think that is the case when i venture out - but when you go out in the burbs there is not much competition. i even felt like i was being checked out when we ate at a sports bar before the show.

on to saturday - we got up early to trek to petalumie to be reunited with my chunk. i have missed him so much. he did not make it until at least 3pm - much too long to wait. big smile and all those cheeks and teeth. i spent an hour laying in bed with him tonight while watching planet earth way past his bedtime. he loves animals and i was his pillow. when he got excited about something he likes to point and tell me about it. he clearly using mama when is asking for me and baba for big b. he also knows bah for ball. my parents do know how to train. i told popo that 4days is as long as i can go without him and she told big b that the solid week was not enough and she wants 2 years. she did not try this on me. i know that we are lucky to have g-parents that love their g-kids but 2 years! i am glad she is not getting laid off her job or we would have to do some serious negotiating. that will be for another day.

the weather is awful - cold and foggy. makes me want to go to the suburbs. all we could do was leave for target and spend $300. we are such consumers. we did get one things that the kids love called the "hairy ball" if you don't have it you must pick it up.

i am going to eat a bunch of ice cream now. good night!

adventures in no-babysitting

i am on my 4th day of no chunk. i finished a book last night and started another one. the house did not get cleaned and i still stayed up until 12:30am. doesn't seem like i am in a better place b/c he is gone. i am taking advatage of being lazy. when he is here we have to stay a well oiled machine - ticking off the to do list ingrained in our minds of our daily activities. i wish he was here to bug me and give me hugs.

bittersweet sunday

i touched up my roots tonight, did a glycolic acid mask, showered, lotioned etc. i would usually be thrilled at being so productive and have it only be 9pm. but the chunk is gone at popo's. they done came this afternoon and plucked him from my arms and headed north. he was feeling cranky for the past couple of days. he had 3 shots and 4 canines and 2 molars coming in. who wouldn't be cranky? i warned them and hoped he wouldn't be a pain to them. um - he is plain in bliss - not a touch a crankiness. playing, running, calling out to the neighbors as they walk by. so i miss him but he sure doesn't miss me. i'm going to celebrate by taking an ambien and sleeping in the middle of the bed!

how the hell am i supposed to know?

we do the drive home from preschool everyday. i usually can't get m love to talk - what happened today? what was your favorite part? any good stories? what was for lunch? he can't remember or doesn't want to participate. cat did not have his tongue today! "mommy? how do you make a baby? how did the chunk come out of you?" -

"WHAT? why do you ask?" i can't think of how to respond at age appropriate language. so i ask him questions back to try to lead him off the trail. it didn't work at first but after about 10 minutes of me skirting the issue, he let go. whew! i was going towards the egg and sperm route - you know - get technical and hopefully he would wouldn't want to know what apparatus to use to to do such fertilizing. better warn big b so he can handle it in the future. good thing i had 2 boys - he can handle both.

happy grandmother's day

i think what was more important to me today was to celebrate my mother rather than my own motherness. it seems that we all as new-ish mother's appreciate our mother's more now than we ever did. i do b/c she had 3 of us all a year apart with a shoe string budget. she had to figure out what to do with us when my dad was not around for those few years. she moved us across the country without support from her family while leaving her steady job at burger king. how much money could she have made there over 30 years ago? she did not have education b/c she was the third in line of seven children and had to help care for her younger brothers and sisters in china to help them get an education. now they are all engineers. she was always the generous and giving soul she is today - always putting all of our needs first... so today will never be about me if i can celebrate my mother first. happy mother's day to my mother - i love you and would be nothing without you!

mind you this picture shows her with her new love - the chunk and his hair is usually god awful when he gets up. but i think she may have cut it a little. she did once to m love and being the hipster cute kid with g-ma cut bangs did not do.

mother's ok to consume day!

i received my box in the mail - i opened it. loved the new boots! as a good wife and mother would do i sent an email to my husband "i love the mother's day present! thank you!". I'm sure he thought "huh? what are you talking about?". why leave it to chance? too much of a gamble even if i lead the winess to the choice of stores i like. earlier in the week my husband sent me a long list of transactions that posted to his cc. what is this endless.com? why do they have so much of my money? shoes and lots of them - all shipped overnight for free with free returns. i see no gamble in that transaction. no time spent away from my children trolling through stores. win/win!

update on the chunk. he is doing fine - just 48 hours of benadryl and he is good to go. the rash was almost gone by the next morning. he was even well enough to go home with his popo to sr and spend a nice weekend with them. it is so quiet without him. big b realizes how boring it would be w/out him around and how spoiled m love would be if he got all the attention. fine line between love and over excessive spoiling! it is much too easy with one 5 year old. i threw out there how one more child from my womb and an adopted chinese girl would complete the set. he will never touch me again :).

nuts are evil

today i went to the dentist after preschool drop off - got to work late so there was no parking in the secondary lot b/c the primary lot is closed b/c of the swine flu. don't ask! i had to park near pier 39 - very far from work. had a full day with lots of mtgs. then picked up m love at preschool and then went to safeway to get milk and some odds and ends. went home cooked dinner - then hell broke loose! big b gave chunk some cashews and he had a bad reaction. his skin bubbled up with hives and then puked. off to the emergency room for me. just got home and happy the little guy is a bit better but is on a 48 hour watch. that's all i did today.

why 5 yr olds hate 1 year olds

don't get me wrong - big b and i talk all the time about the kids but we just had a meeting of the minds. the chunk actually is a bit of a sneaky one - likes to get his brother in trouble. every evening before bed m love gets to watch a bit of his dvd. big b put the chunk in bed with him a few nights ago so they could watch a bit together. after a couple of minutes there is a blood curdling cry - of course big b runs in accusing mb of laying a hand on his baby brother. no - there was no mistreatment, big b leaves again. a few minutes later - the same screams and the same accusations fly. the scene appears the same - children at either end of the bed - apparently giving each other much personal space. after telling me this story i remember that the same thing happened to me. i also came in guns a blazin'. i guess babies like to be supervised or have devious plots to get their brothers in trouble. i think it maybe a bit of both for the chunk. when are we going to get used to this parental thing?