do not ever think of doing this...

attack of the blue snow cone

me and batman before i go out dancing with hundreds of gay men

"so - what do you want to do for father's day?

" i don't care - what do you think?"

"i'll see what everyone else is doing"

i pick up the phone to call meme...

"it is free day at 6 flags for guests of season ticket holders"

"sounds cool! we'll do that for a couple of hours and then go to petaluma and have dinner and pick up the chunk" he had been at g-parents for the weekend. that was my present to them. isn't that nice of me?

so, you may say already sounded like a disaster of an idea. but not really. we had gone a bunch of times to 6 flags last year on their free days and we would go in when they opened and then got the heck out of dodge before it got too crowded. oh no - not this year. the 45 minute drive to the exit to vallejo was normal. the extra 45 minutes to get off of the exit and enter the parking lot was not. the crazy long security line and then the horrendously long ticket line was also not normal. the checking to make sure that the season txt holders had only one guest was not normal either. we had 3 extra. more waiting to try to figure it out. it was worst than ikea in there and hot. we split up by age group -younger one's did the kiddie things and the older ones went on real roller coasters. by 3:30 - i expected to be out by 12 - the kids got to ride on a good amount of rides. how was the older crowd doing? they had rode on one ride. ONE ride! we decided to leave and to go home. we stopped at a combo gas station, baskin robbins and carl's jr. i got a shake, m love got a scoop and b went to get a burger. me and m love got the treats and sat in the car for at least 15 minutes waiting. where the heck was b? waiting, waiting, waiting - he must be laying bleeding on the bathroom floor after being mugged. i had to check - OMG he had not even got the food yet. no burger at a fast food place is worth a 1/2 hour wait. then the ride home was all on poor b. i fell asleep almost immediately as i went out dancing last night and needed to catch up on my sleep. we did not get home until 5:30. it was plain awful. i left out a lot but i had to get some of the this story of of my chest.

kids are for loving

just when you thought i about lost it - losing it means walk back into vp's office and take back my resignation so i don't have to spend time with my satan spawn. i had a moment. m love freaked out a few more time since i completed my post a few hours ago and i finally had him in bed. thought i would try to salvage the day and have a cuddle. he had times of weepiness and i finally asked why are you so sad about everything? "i miss all of my friends - i like my new school but i miss my friends and i think they don't know where i am." again a heart wrenching moment for me of course that's why he is sad. knee jerk - take him out of presidio and put him back in tule elk. but no, i bring myself back to the whole reason why we are doing this. he needs some familiar faces at Lafayette. i knew 2 transitions were going to be hard on him b/c he is the worst at them. let's see what the next 2 weeks brings. he is a very complex kid. not a simple boy - i have to understand that. i apologized for yelling so much today and he said it hurt his feelings. of course it did! tomorrow will be better - we will do some shopping together for food so he can make dinner and lunch choices for himself. we also talked about getting a soccer ball and baseball to practice this summer with. he seems honestly interested. there will be peaks and valleys as big b tried to tell me on the phone today but this time will pass and i will regret not loving him even when he is a whiny, cry baby. he just needs to communicate better and i have to get better at not saying anything and just giving hugs.

sh**ty attitude

it amazes me how a series of whining and crying episodes will just ruin my day. m love had no school - i negotiated with them that he be off fridays b/c i would be taking him to gymnastics anyways. he gets to stay at home with his nanny and brother. i get home from work - throw the bikes, helmets, knee and elbow pads in the car, fill their recyclable aluminum water bottles and get a couple of diapers and we are ready to rock! he gets in trouble with teacher eric within 5 minutes. he's like a wound up toy that has not been able to spin. but when it is an inappropriate time, that is when he chooses to let it go! instructions go in one ear and out the other. this goes on for 45 minutes. now it's time to go bike riding - only wants the helmet - fine - the training wheels are still on. they go all the way down the path but the chunk sees the beach and cannot resist the water. he is wet up to his waist, i am up to my knees in san francisco bay water - then sand. then i put him on his balance bike (the kind with no pedals) and push him to meet up with the group at the warming hut at the end of the trail. cookies and lemonade lovingly supplied by d! i am done already and head back to the car to bring it closer b/c my back cannot make the trip back pushing the chunk. when i return - he wants his knee pads - another trek back to the car. on return he wants his elbow pads. no way - crying ensues. then it is time to go. ok - you can go with d and then i will meet you at pasta pomodoro. only in batman costume. no way. crying again. now you have to come home b/c i will not unleash your psychosis on my best friend no matter how nice she is. now it is the $30 dinner i ordered for us that he won't eat b/c all of the sudden he doesn't like the color of the broth the noodles are in. he gives in and wants the chicken nugget appetizer which he never will eat but i have just eaten all of them except for 1/2 of one. so he gets half a nugget and i then force him to eat one posticker. which takes forever - 2 hours i tell you to eat 1/2 a chicken nugget and 1 potsticker. i would have let it go but he kept telling me he was hungry - so eat! we ended things nicely over an organic nectarine with him in my lap. he will get 10 min of movie and a story and he will be down if i so can help it. i am sleeping alone tonight. i am taking an ambien and going to love every unconscious moment of it. i hate reading posts like this so i am so sorry i wrote one like this. how am i going to be a SAHM? days like to day make me wonder - and then days like today make me think this is exactly why i need to do this.

frozen confection and 5mg valium will make it better

i just wolfed down a haagen daaz almond vanilla ice cream bar - just picked some melted chocolate off my shirt. all very charming. 1/2 a valium earlier this evening when i got home. all this to appease my unrest about my first born. m love had a good day at school except he will not eat his lunch when he it is the time to eat lunch but during silent reading time and the humming he does is not appreciated. i get more and more nervous that he is not as normal as he should be. but then he builds the most incredible sculpture at school that the teacher is in awe of. it is a series of squares that get increasingly bigger and curve into an s shape. he did one and then a mirror image of it and then twisted together. i will try to post - but almost creepy how amazing it was. i know it is his third day and i maybe taking the feedback all too personally. i need to get thicker skin. but he doesn't even have skin.

tomorrow we are going w/miss m and n to circus showcase - more acrobatics. hope they like it. it will be nice to go just the 4 of us. i am also going to Launch - the big kick off dance party for gay pride week at the regency ballroom on saturday. big week. need to shake some bad mojo off.

i am 50% wanting to go ask for a job. start part time for now and then go full time when things get better. i know not a good idea! talk me out of it!

smack down

i had the worst start of a morning - not only was i anxiety ridden about the 2nd day of school, the director had to talk to me about something. when i finally separated from m. i went to the office it was a bit harder today b/c he was aware that he was "that kid" who got into trouble all the time. the d took me to her office and said that it was a mistake to accept m in b/c her school did not take kids just for the summer and he had to leave. i said i changed schools under the advisement of the director and his teacher from his previous school. he was already in, already began so i saw no need to take him out. she does not have the warmest personality and is quite abrasive. words were exchanged and it came down to me telling her that she was taking out the misunderstanding on me and i did not appreciate it. she said she was not and i said her delivery sucked. yes, in front of all of her employees. i was not going to let her walk all over me. i drove to work almost in tears and shaking. before i even arrived i had a vm telling me it was ok for m to stay in the school. 2nd fight in 7 days that i have won. feels good. sometimes those people that are mean just need to be reminded to act human and they snap out of it.

btw - m had a great day in school today. spent 3 hours at the beach. he is my m i know and love. hopefully tomorrow will be another good day.

m's first day of transitional kindergarten care - it's a long and boring title

can you say out loud with me - TOTAL DISASTER?! yes, he threw sand at kids, licked their faces (WTF?), put everything in his mouth, flicked ears and had a fit during circle time. i am taking all of this personally - i have failed as a mother to bring up a well adjusted boy. i busted out my copy of "how to talk to children so they talk to you" - or something like that and "how to free your child from anxiety". both books i purchased during a time of crisis and both i read a bit of and then put down b/c things got better after while. as you can see that all of this is on my priority list as i took a nap and am writing on these blogs.

the cutest little girl in the class took to him immediately and was hovering around his perimeter for the hour i was there this morning. when i was leaving i asked her to look out for him and there she was was - right at his side when i got there to pick him up. i am proud he did not cry when i left - he did not even cling. he made friends and he played with them. just the other stuff is such a bummer. such a long list. i think i need to read those damn books.

tomorrow is a big day - they walk to the Beach at Crissy field. he likes to bolt and run ahead. he needs to control that for the group. and there is the sand element too. 3 hours at the beach. so heavenly if you ask me! i love this school already just b/c of what is at their fingertips at the presidio. i think the chunk is going to go there.

couger night

tonight i accepted an invite to a dinner with a friends night out with the other mom's from her sons catholic school. we went le colonial - supposed to be yummy. the appetizer - ahi tuna was yummy, the shaking beef - mediocre and the molten lava cake better than average. ok, so there is the review of the food.

the company review is next - my friend m, love her but she is a cancer (the astrological sign) to the bone. which is generally a bit crazy. the other women were over 40's divorced and some single and really bummed about it. i fit in splendidly. not really b/c i am not great around people and am happily married. i was genuinely uncomfortable with all the shit talking. oh well. i am sure they do not like me too well. i heard things like "do you know vera wang is at kohl's now!" um really? not too impressive...one had a chiffon cheetah print top and an updo with tendril action hanging from the sides. we all have kids about the same age - why do i seem in my head so much younger. maybe it is just in my head. maybe these thoughts are for no one except strangers. yeah that's it.