what now?

still trying to get used to this blogging thing - is it just what ever you are thinking at the time? is it only interesting stuff? is it my personal journal? it all will not work if i can't figure out how to press that little save button down there as i keep losing my numerous "musings"

xmas eve - is when my family celebrates and xmas - what me and and my boys do is now over. awesome! as m love really appreciates his gifts now and enjoys them. the chunk is still more interested in the paper it is wrapped in. i love having kids just for the fact i get to experience everything for the first time through their eyes. they are the dear little loves of my life. god forbid but i think i want another - there i said it. i can't afford it but i have fear that i will be bored when they are self sufficient in a few years. i know i am insane but i had to get it out. there it is - i'll probably feel differently tomorrow.

the planning is not over - i have chunk's birthday 1/8 and m love's is 1/24. m is the first born so he had 3 parties - friends and kids pizza, traditional red egg and ginger chinese banquet and smaller family party - wait make that 4 b/c on the day we had a great turkish dinner to celebrate with his girlfrind anya and their family. chunk being the 2nd is making me indecisive. will not go all out - but what is in between? i think a small open house party so our friends can come and go - very casual. m love of course is getting the indiana jones - swing on ropes, trampolines and zipline party at the gymnastics place. i also have to go to new york for work for a week in between all of this.

oh one more small thing - sign up for kindergarten in sf that i won't get into. another blog topic.

my most important task of the day was to get on the saks.com and take advantage of the 75% sale and buy myself some more clothes to go with my shoes and boots. go get in on some great deals - shopbop.com is good too for cool designer stuff with some good sales right now.

post thanksgiving trauma

i have lost a dear friend - like a sister to me over the holiday weekend. she did not die but she might as well had. she turned into someone i didn't know or would of cared to know now. unfortunately, i am left to mourn what is not there anymore by my favorite kind of therapy.

not the best time to indulge as i have been my job has been in question (and still is!) and this economy does not make most feel like going out and spending money. well i have been hunkering down for months now and i need to find some new stuff! so in the past few days i have commissioned a new bag from a bespoke "artist" that creates leather bags. i bought two already off his site and had one made to my specifications. my version of hunkering you know - instead of another chloe - which my husband says never again. i will choose handmade and unique, from etsy.com instead of big name and expensive. i can still feel special. yesterday at zara i got 2 dresses and a top. i have also bought 8 pairs of shoes, sandals and boots today. so i should be feeling better right? the loeffler randall emmy boots i picked up almost healed all wounds like time would have but the sad feeling has crept back. i would go hug the chunk (my favorite medicine) but he's sleeping.

ramblings after the kids are asleep

i had a hard week this week. i feel like i have sabotaged my career by having kids. one was manageable but two makes me feel like i can not do anything well. i short change my kids, my husband and my job. no new news here. i have some soul searching to do on my next steps. how can i come back from maternity leave - have my job "eliminated" - placed in a temp position on a crazy team - acclimate to having 2 kids - help my family through a bankruptcy and 2 foreclosures - help remodel a new home in the last few months. i am starting to feel overwhelmed.